How can family and friends help?

Frau Ritter, Sie beraten Frauen, die Gewalt in der Beziehung erleben, und deren Angehörige. Mal angenommen, eine Freundin ruft an und sagt, dass ihr Partner sie geschlagen hat. Wie reagiere ich richtig?

Ganz wichtig ist es, Ruhe zu bewahren und sich ein Bild davon zu machen, wie gefährdet Ihre Freundin ist. Fragen Sie sie, ob sie noch am Ort des Geschehens ist. Ist sie alleine oder ist der Täter noch in der Nähe? Ist sie verletzt? Wenn sie so durcheinander ist, dass sie das nicht beantwortet, fragen Sie, ob sie blutet oder große Schmerzen hat. Das ist eine wichtige Information für Sie, um zu entscheiden, ob Sie Polizei und Notarzt anrufen.

Wenn sie nicht verletzt ist, was dann?

Dann gilt ab jetzt die goldene Regel: Die Betroffene bestimmt. Denn bildlich gesprochen steht die Tür in diesem Moment einen Spalt offen. Die kann ganz schnell wieder zugehen, wenn die Betroffene Angst bekommt oder befürchtet, dass ihr die Selbstbestimmung genommen wird. Sie sollte nie Erfahrungen machen, die sie bereuen lassen, dass sie sich Hilfe geholt hat. Das ist herausfordernd für Helfende, die ihre Lage unerträglich finden und unbedingt helfen wollen.

Auch wenn ich den Impuls verspüre, sollte ich also auf keinen Fall einen Ratschlag geben wie „Pack sofort deine Sachen und geh!“?

Genau. Sie dürfen aber sagen: „Am liebsten würde ich dich sofort da rausholen, aber hier geht es um dich!“ Sie könnten ihr durch Fragen zu Klarheit verhelfen, sie zum Beispiel fragen: „Magst du mir erzählen, was passiert ist? Oder brauchst du erst noch deine Ruhe? Möchtest du mit zu mir kommen? Oder soll ich erst einmal bei dir sein?“ Damit signalisieren Sie, dass sie selbst entscheiden darf, was sie braucht.

Warum ist es so entscheidend, die Betroffene selbst entscheiden zu lassen? Birgt das nicht auch eine Gefahr, weil sie vielleicht nicht erkennt, wie gefährdet sie ist?

Diese Gefahr ist nicht auszuschließen. Doch wenn die Frau nicht selbst entscheidet, besteht eine andere Gefahr. Sie könnte feststellen, dass sie eine Entscheidung getroffen hat, die für sie nicht stimmt. Wenn sie dann zum Täter zurückkehrt, wäre das sogar nachhaltig gefährlich. Sie trägt nämlich nun die Erfahrung in sich: „Ich habe es ja probiert und hatte sogar Leute, die mir helfen wollten. Aber ich habe es nicht geschafft.“ Hinzu kommt, dass sie damit den Täter stärkt. Er kann ab jetzt immer sagen: „Dann geh doch, wenn du mich so schrecklich findest. Du kommst ja doch wieder angekrochen.“ Das macht ihn doppelt gefährlich für die Frau.

What else can I take into account?

Basically, judgments and accusations are no-gos. Under no circumstances should you say, “Why didn’t you say something sooner?” I’m your girlfriend. Don’t you trust me?” The friend is experiencing violence, is overly sensitive, and your concern feels like you’re picking on her too. That’s why it’s so important to assume that she had her reasons – even if you can’t understand them. If your friend tells you that she doesn’t have the confidence to do something, that’s okay. Then you can ask, “What would it take for you to be confident?”

Many women experience psychological violence rather than physical violence. What can you imagine as a non-affected person?

In the case of psychological violence, the perpetrator strikes with words, so to speak. For example, he insults, insults, devalues ​​his partner and accuses her of lying and cheating. He distorts their clear perception: “You always do everything wrong – you’re just too stupid!” The problem is: What was right yesterday is wrong today. If she contradicts it, it becomes more and more unbearable. When she cries, he acts as if she’s trying to make him feel guilty – even though from his point of view it’s actually her fault that he’s always freaking out. He works to systematically take away her confidence, self-assurance and self-esteem. The more he succeeds at this, the easier it is for him to manipulate and control her.

How do I know if a friend is in an abusive relationship? What signals or warning signs are there?

A violent partner has a great interest in reducing and, if possible, preventing the partner’s outside contacts. Especially in close contacts – for example with his best friend – he sees the danger that she will confide in him and be taken seriously. He wants to have his partner for himself and begins to isolate her. This can provide the first clues for those around you: Does your girlfriend seem increasingly stressed or strained on dates? Is she exhausted? Is the feeling of “Ouch” missing from suggestions that she used to enthusiastically say “Yes” to? Do you often hear “I don’t know if I can do it yet” or experience last-minute cancellations as a text message with the addition “I’ll get in touch with you when it’s more suitable”? Later, something like “Yes, we really have to do that again” comes up. You may also notice that the gaps between meetings are increasing. She only has “an hour” of time left, keeps looking at the clock and gets nervous when the hour is over. Maybe your partner is constantly calling and you can hardly talk to your friend. This triggers disappointment, incomprehension or sadness in you. Or you are annoyed with your girlfriend and the stupid boyfriend who everything seems to revolve around. You feel like you are no longer important to her. Such observations about your friend, as well as your reactions, could be warning signs.

How do I talk to my girlfriend about this?

You could carefully address your perceptions, of course without insisting on accuracy, for example by adding to the conversation: “You know what? Sometimes I have the feeling that you’re not doing so well with your boyfriend. I may be wrong, but I want you to know that if you want to talk, I’m always here for you.” You shouldn’t dramatize. You should also not cite any evidence like “I can see that…”. You shouldn’t put pressure on her, otherwise she’ll turn away from you rather than reach out to her. And that would be bonus points for the perpetrator.

From the outside, what you describe seems so transparent. Why is it so difficult for those affected to escape?

The short answer is: After a happy start to the relationship, those affected go through a gradual conditioning process using rewards and punishments. In the process, this amounts to brainwashing. The beginning of the relationship is of course completely different: the man feels the need to always have the woman around him. Maybe he’s a little jealous, but it’s not really noticeable yet. What you might notice from the outside is that he is trying to make himself indispensable. He tries to meet all of the woman’s needs and desires – and thus creates the conditions for isolation. When the woman feels “in seventh heaven,” he can start applying pressure. For example, he shows disappointment when she plans to do something without him: “I thought you were eating with me. Now I’ve cooked for us for free.” This is slowly increasing. Accusations become more violent, accusations and the first threats appear: “Just keep it up and you’ll see what you get out of it.” In doing so, he is targeting their fear of loss. And that’s just the beginning.

What is going on with the person concerned in this phase of the relationship?

Even his slight accusations make her feel a little uncomfortable. This increases the more frequent and clear it becomes. Because she doesn’t want to lose him, she tries to understand what she’s doing wrong. When she decides to do something, he reacts with displeasure, perhaps even with outbursts of anger or prohibitions. He says, for example: “I don’t want you to go out partying with your friends again.” In all these stages, the woman has a learning experience: it’s over quickly if she gives in – but it gets worse and worse the more she struggles against it. In particular, she realizes that her rebellion will lead to nothing. She learns in this progressive process that she has no chance and will always be to blame, no matter how hard she tries. After all, he now blames her for having to become so angry because of her. These are the consequences of this constant distortion of your perception. Some women submit to the point of self-sacrifice.

If I notice that my friend is withdrawing, or if I hardly see her at this stage and am very worried about her – what can I do?

My tip is to tell yourself “stop” at this point. And to realize: I assured her I was there for her, and now I trust her to reach out when she needs my help. Or you could ask yourself: What would I need right now to trust my girlfriend, and where could I get it? Another question you can ask yourself is: What would I most like to achieve for them? Does this match what she needs right now? This will help you take good care of yourself. With your confidence, you will also strengthen your friend and the friendship instead of risking your friend withdrawing completely.

What do I do if my friend confides in me and asks me for help and support?

Here I recommend asking yourself a few questions: What am I willing to do – and for how long? Is this what the friend imagines your help will be like? Especially if you work and perhaps also have a family, you should be clear about what you can offer. Maybe it is possible to form a network so that we can be there for your friend together. All of this is also about you. It’s good for everyone involved to bring clarity. You could also suggest that your friend make an appointment at the counseling center. It is always important to respect your friend’s needs and boundaries as well as your own.

If she’s considering a breakup, what then?

Anything that gives the girlfriend security ensures her security. My colleagues and I advise women in this situation to pack a security suitcase with the things she absolutely needs in case she has to leave quickly: ID cards, copies of certificates and important papers. She should also pack a change of clothes, as well as some money, medication and everyday items. Of course, the suitcase shouldn’t be in the apartment, but rather in a friend’s basement, for example. The suitcase provides security because the friend has prepared for herself in an emergency. She can re-register without having to rely on his assistance. What is very important – especially in this phase – is the attitude that there is a solution for everything. Even if we don’t see it crystal clear in front of us at the moment, it exists. That’s why my tip here is: keep asking, research together.